Zeroth Grader Disease
by Ol'Velsper
Summary: You either die a hero or grow up and become middle aged.


8 Years Ago

"Would you like to hear a story?"

A great blizzard raged outside of a magnificent castle in a winter wonderland. The structure, which had remained standing for hundreds of years now, once again defied nature, refusing to buckle to it no matter how much it writhed and threw itself at the building.

A pair of dark eyes gazed outside at the storm with a hint of melancholy in their depths.

"This is the tale of a man who, more than anyone else, believed in his ideals, and was driven to despair by them."

The man pulled away from the window and retreated deeper into the room, barely illuminated by the flickering image of an older television. His manner of dress could be best described as 'messy' - as he slumped on the bed, gazing up at the ceiling. His already rumpled business suit only became more so.

"The dream of that man was pure."

The door heading out into the hall cracked open slightly, revealing a thin ray of light that was cast upon his haggard expression.

"Master Emiya," The short haired blonde standing behind the door offered him a tight, worried smile. "...your wife and newborn daughter would like to see you now."

"His wish was for everyone in this world to be happy."

Kiritsugu Emiya rose from the bed. He ran his head through his hair, making it spike up just so. If he hadn't been required to give them up, the man would have tried to light up a cigarrette at the moment. That would have made a suitable impression.

"...Emiya was my father." He smoothly retorted to the maid. "Please, call me Kiritsugu."

The smile the maid wore became more forced.

"It is a childish ideal that all young boys grow attached to at least once, one that they abandon once they grow accustomed to the mercilessness of reality."

"Y-yes, Master Kiritsugu." Her tone of voice attempted to stay politely disinterested, but disgust was creeping in. She was going to have to take a bath after this. "P-please follow me."

"Any happiness requires a sacrifice, something all children learn when they become adults."

The man who used to be known as the Magus Killer nodded and followed after that maid.

"But, that man was different..." 

* * *

><p>A pair of eyes looked at Kiritsugu's retreating back.<p>

"...daddy, can we go ahead and turn on the lights now? " A small girl, no more than six years of age, quietly spoke up as the dark haired man followed the pretty nurse out of the hospital's waiting room. "And maybe turn the heat on again?"

Next to her, her father, a thin and somewhat weaselly looking fellow sighed in relief as he finally let his daughter go off his lap.

"Yes, Taiga." He stood up and headed for the controls. "We can now."

Taiga Fujimura idly wondered why that man had looked so terribly sad when he had been waiting around. 

* * *

><p>"Maybe he was just the most foolish of all. Maybe he was broken somewhere. Or maybe, he might have been of the kind we call 'Saints', entrusted with God's will..."<p>

That night, Ilyasviel von Einzbern was born at Fuyuki General Hospital. She was slightly underweight, but she was a happy and healthy baby. The Magus Killer finally retired from his long war when his daughter, Ilyasviel von Einzbern, was born.

"..one that common people cannot understand."

...to the great relief of his wife, Irisviel von Einzbern. 

* * *

><p>"...I really don't think it's quite that bad." Irisviel quietly told the dark haired woman standing in front of her. While she was clad in the same outfit all the other nurses of Fuyuki General wore, she had a tangible aura of station about her. Irisviel brought both hands before her pleadingly as she ducked her head. "Can you forgive me just this one time, Maiya?"<p>

Maiya growled a bit, grinding the heel of her foot into the ground.

"He keeps hitting on us, though!" She leaned forwards to harshly whisper at Irisviel. Casually standing the other side of the door, and still waiting on both women to allow him in, was Kiritsugu. He visibly glanced over at another nurse that walked past him. "Look! He just did it again!"

Irisviel winced.

"He's just... simple." She defended her husband. "I think more men could be like that!"

Maiya blankly gazed at her long time friend.

"Iri...you just gave birth to his daughter. I'm just telling you to take control of your man before it's too late!"

Irisviel's eyebrow twitched as, yes, that thought sunk in. She glanced over at her husband, missing the faint smirk that was growing on Maiya's lips.

"I'll...talk to him, don't worry about it. He needs to become more responsible after all this time, you're right." She promised her friend, missing as Maiya's full blown smirk melted back into a normal look of concern. "For now, we can't keep him out in the hall too long. It's cold out there. He might get sick."

"Fine, I'll let him in." Maiya affected a groan. "Just because you said so, okay?"

Irisviel smiled at her best friend.

"Okay."

Baby Ilyasviel continued to clutch to her mother, unbothered by the goings on around her. 

* * *

><p>Three Years Ago<p>

Uryuu Ryuunosuke glanced at the worn out leather book laying open next to the sink. He scowled as glanced at the angrily clawing cat he was holding well away from his body. It hissed at him as it tried to claw through the rubber gloves he had was wearing.

"Sorry, Mr. Puss." The highschooler smirked, uncaring of the feline's attempts at saving itself. "I just don't care about your type of cat at all. "

Beneath the cat was a bubbling bucket of water, which had been filled fresh from the faucet.

"Reincarnate into a cooler cat. Maybe I'll give a damn then."

He let go.

It was far too late for the cat when Kirei Kotomine arrrived, practically knocking down the door to the kitchen. The broken pieces of wood, held together by a normal lock, fell onto the ground, making the boy nearly jump in his skin. Both of them shared a single look, intense in its silence.

"You didn't summon a demon."

"Seems not."

"These acts just continue to be wasteful, then."

"But aren't they cool?"

The broad shouldered son of Risei Kotomine shook his head at Uryuu.

"These sort of things are unproductive." He walked over towards the highschool boy, bumping him out of the way as he calmly picked up the bucket. "And I cannot continue to cover for your misdeeds. Especially since you do not wish to show improvement."

Uryuu followed the man with eager eyes as he headed for the exit. Deciding to follow after him, the boy trailed Kirei's footsteps like an eager puppy.

"Then show me kung fu!" He eagerly posed, hands moving into what could be generously called karate chopping motions. "Isn't that what you priests do?" His bright smile faded to a moment of blank indifference. "Well, besides take in 'wards' from the state?"

Kirei casually dumped the animal behind several bushes. Just like always, the scavengers would take care of it for them. Such was the joyous cycle of life.

"You only wish to learn the higher forms." Kirei shook his head, turning back towards the intently staring man. "They can't be taught without learning the basics."

"I bet Risei would teach me."

"My father lets you get away with too much."

"So, why is it that you keep covering for me, then?" Uryuu widely grinned, quirking his head at Kirei. "Isn't it because he 'let' you get away with enough too?"

"I just wanted to see what will become of a person such as yourself. Nothing more." Kirei replied, eyes darkening further. He turned and began walking away.

Uryuu resisted the urge to giggle. Soon he wouldn't be forced to stay at this crummy church. The only reason he hadn't left earlier was because there was something to Kirei.

He wasn't sure what it was, but he desperately needed to find out before he left.

Then, then he'd be free to go out into the world.

So many rituals to go through, so little time. 

* * *

><p>One Year Ago<p>

In the room of an elegant villa built atop a small hill in the neatest district in the south of Turin, Italy, three distinguished figures sat on a lounge chair. Tokiomi Tohsaka, a man of distinction and class, and clad in the finest of outfits, tailor fit for his frame, smiled at his companions as they served him some more wine.

This is such a pathetic World. For example, this villa is completely unworthy of my presence.

The man paused, halfway between taking a sniff of the wine he was swirling around a crystal clear glass.

Why you would deem to bring us here disturbs and insults me. Why, even the people here are pathetic as well. Just look on these cretins!

His companions were both worthy of praises. One had hair as dark as midnight and a piercing look to her eyes. The other, most definitely her sister, had rich and luxurious hair which shone with an exotic color.

Both were clad in dresses woven by the finest dressmakers in Paris, complimenting both of them.

Apparently even these Madonnas weren't enough for Him.

This is pathetic. Why are we spending our time on ...mongrels like these two?! We could be plumbing the depths of Akasha!

The man froze.

"Is there something wrong?" The cunning brunette at his side asked, her words calculated and cool. "Are we boring you?"

The question was enough to cause the lips of the younger sister to tremble.

"But sir!" The younger of the two clutched to Tokiomi. "We haven't even begun to chat yet."

Tokiomi carefully set his goblet down. Coldness raced down his spine with the return of the voice. He had sworn to himself he would never let it return.

'I'm not that man anymore.'

Tokiomi's quiet declaration caused the spirit within him to rebel, writhing and hissing at him angrily.

This used to be your greatest desire, magus. The voice spat back at him. Bitterness clung to the hateful wraith. We were to go together to the place of God, the Akashic Records, and find the beginning of all things! To the origin of everything!

'My priorities have changed.'

Tokiomi offered the two women sitting with him a gentle smile, reaching forwards to ruffle both of their expensively made up hair. Despite the minor fortunes both ladies had spent on their styling, they both girlishly giggled.

"Why would I ever think about being bored with my daughters?" Tokiomi Tohsaka asked outloud. His declaration made the voice within him begin to fade away. "Especially when we haven't even begun today's magic lesson."

...fine, go ahead. One day you will need The Gilgamesh's strength once again. You will come back to me on your hands and knees when the Winter Saint and Black Knight come for your head. Then we'll see who's laughing.

'Stop being so ...' Tokiomi barely fought back a blush. '...so goddamned embarrassing.'

"So daddy, daddy!" The exotically haired noblewoman smiled, tugging on his sleeve. "What should we do first?"

"Well, let's review the basics. First, there is Mana, which is the life and power of the world, and Od, which is..." 

* * *

><p>Aoi Tohsaka barely resisted the urge to giggle as she watched Tokiomi calmly sipping tea. Next to him, both Sakura and Rin were mimicking the man, using milk and plastic tea cups. All three of them had their pinky fingers extended.<p>

'And no sighting of 'The Gilgamesh', I see.' The woman sighed in relief as she silently pulled away from the sight. 'Maybe letting Tokiomi play with them will be alright after all?'

For a while the housewife had been worried that this would have made the man backslide.

Aoi paused, stopping at a window as she gazed out at the manor next door to theirs. The Matou home had started looking its age these last ten years. Poor old Zouken didn't have anyone to help him maintain the property after Byakuya had taken his son to America with their part of the inheritance.

Leaving the doddering old man with only Kariya.

Aoi winced a little bit when she thought about her old friend. If she ever was worried about how much she made sure to monitor on her husband, her old friend's situation kept reinforcing why she should keep doing it. She could only imagine how bad Tokiomi would have been if she hadn't stepped in and nipped his and Kariya's games in the bud.

'The Gilgamesh is never going to fight The Black Knight again.' She quietly swore to herself as she stepped away from the depressing sight of the Matou mansion. Maybe she could make old Zouken something to eat. She really doubted either of the two men knew the first thing about actually cooking. 

* * *

><p>Deep within the basement of the Matou Manor, an abomination woke. Its return to its ancestral home beneath the earth was observed by lesser creatures. Their mandibles and antenna twitched as they recognized one that had lived in this dank, dark world for longer than they had existed.<p>

The abomination rose, scaring off the braver creatures that had dared draw closer to it, to hopefully snag a morsel of food which clung to it. It snorted as its lessers skittered away from it, gazing out along its domain.

Intense cold and darkness clung to the entire world, making a frown come to its mouth.

"Goddamned old man, did he forget to pay the light bill again?"

Slime clung to the corners of the basement.

"Shit, did the pipes break from the cold?"

Finally, the abomination threw off the layers of blankets he used to conceal his form, revealing the man named Kariya Matou. He moved over towards the slime, scratching his exposed stomach. The ever growing paunch he had been accumulating trembled at the contact.

Kariya snorted, spiting off to the side.

"Damn, it really is broken." He peered at the corner again. Almost as if he had divined an answer, the man shook his head in disgust. "I'm going to have to ask Aoi if she knows anyone."

[████▄▄▄▄■■■]!?

"Shut up, Lancelot." Kariya sighed, rubbing his head. "I don't need your shit right now. I have to deal with Aoi and...him."

The Black Knight within Kariya's soul mindlessly raged.

"Yes..." Kariya darkly began, narrowing his eyes as he scratched at the stubble on his chin. "We're going to have to go outside."

Lancelot's scream was deafening. 

* * *

><p>It was a fateful meeting between two childhood friends.<p>

"Aoi." Kariya, dressed in summer clothes, nodded at the housewife. "Is The Gilgamesh in?"

"Kariya, why are you wearing that?" Aoi deflected the question. She shifted her feet so she had more stable footing. "Aren't you cold?"

"Well, there was a sale." Kariya began, not wanting to reveal that his allowance could only stretch so much with his purchases. "Anyway, I came to ask if you knew the number of a plumber. The cold broke some of our pipes."

"Oh no!" Aoi raised her hand to her mouth. "Is Zouken alright?"

"...yes, I'm fine too." Kariya snarled, and resisted the urge to unleash Lancelot on the terrible woman in front of him. "Thank you for asking."

Aoi had the grace to look embarrassed.

"Come in." She tried to smooth over her faux pas. "I'll get you the number to the person we use."

Kariya nodded, silently following her into the warm home. Immediately his knees stopped knocking as he looked around at the splendor of the home.

"I'll be back in a bit." Aoi wondered, offering a hopeful smile at her friend as she showed him where to sit. "Would you like some tea, Kariya?"

'Maybe you can stay outside your house for more than an hour for once?' She added mentally, crossing her fingers - in spirit, at least.

"No tea." Kariya shot down her hopes right away. "I need to go back to my work."

Aoi slumped slightly in place.

"Still trying to find a buyer for your fanf-"

"IT IS AN ORIGINAL FICTION LOOSELY BASED ON A PRE-EXISTING WORK!" Kariya exploded, slamming his hands on the couch he was sitting on. "ORIGINAL! OC! O-C! COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!"

"Of course, of course." Aoi mumbled, sucking on the inside of her cheek to keep from making things worse. "I'll... I'll be back soon, okay?"

Kariya angrily crossed his arms in front of him.

"Hurry up, then."

Aoi silently moved out of the guest room, bowing her head once before leaving. The anger Kariya held quickly faded away when Aoi left his sight. Standing up, the man glanced around the area with barely held back awe.

[████▄▄▄▄■■■]

'Yes, The Gilgamesh always was charmed with good fortune.' He sighed, shaking his head. The man smiled as he lightly ran his fingers along the glass cases containing several expensive looking bottles of wine. 'Why he chooses to share it with - her - is beyond me.'

Kariya faintly smiled as he moved over towards a picture of The Gilgamesh's family. Of course, the man himself was proudly standing tall over the other three women and children in the group. Just like him, really.

'Why'd you have to become...become this?' He wondered, sadly shaking his head as he began to reach out for the picture.

"Kariya, I got the...oh."

Aoi and Kariya froze. While the former was staring at Kariya with confusion as she held onto a scrap of paper, the latter had almost touched Tokiomi's profile with his fingertip. The silent moment began to drag out more than either of them felt was comfortable.

'Why is he touching my husband's face?' Aoi thought, a tiny, tiny part of her that remembered how Kariya used to look like before was offended that he hadn't focused on her in that picture.

Meanwhile, Kariya...

'What do I do?! What do I do?! WhatdoidowhatdoIwhatdoIdowhodowedo?!'

[████▄▄▄▄■■■]!

'That doesn't help at all!' Kariya roared, briefly managing to shout over the constant roars of Lancelot. 'You stupid, ero protagonist knight!'

Seeing that Kariya had somehow frozen in place as well, Aoi found herself feeling a bit of pity for her childhood friend. She quietly walked over towards Kariya and offered him the sheet of paper. Opening up the man's fist, she dropped the paper in it.

"Uhm...here." She gently squeezed his hand closed. "Do...do you think you can see yourself out? I think I need to lie down."

Kariya woodenly nodded.

"Great..." Aoi wanly smiled, moving away from Kariya. "Please see me again soon, Kariya."

"...thank you, Winter Saint." He mumbled ashamedly as he quietly scuffled away.

"I'm not-" Aoi's wide eyes and quick denial weren't fast enough. She slumped when she saw the door close behind Kariya. "-that person anymore." She finished with a sigh, and rubbed her eyes as guilt welled up in her. 

* * *

><p>Kariya Matou boredly waited for the plumber to arrive. Sure, the letter said repairman, but that's what they were in the end, right?!<p>

The man paused, realizing he had been holding his breath. Letting it out in a big breath of air, he slumped against his dad's couch. He ticked off the seconds as he looked around the dark living room. The curtain on the north side of the room was open just enough so he could see the Tohsaka's home.

"Maybe I should wait downstairs?" He mumbled, finding the thought really tempting.

He tapped his fingers against the hand rests.

The sound of his father's gramophone restlessly playing an old song drifted down to the anxious man.

He started tapping his fingers faster.

"By King Arthur's magically induced penis, what is taking this damn man so long?!" Kariya leapt to his feet, storming over to the house phone to file a complaint.

…

"You don't have to go through all this effort." Sola-Ui Nuada-Re Sophia-Ri lay on their bed in their studio apartment. With the covers up to her chin, the pallid woman looked especially frail. Kayneth, sitting next to her on a worn chair, merely smiled and shook his head.

"I'm sure Mr. Matou will understand." The older man offered her another spoonful of soup. "Besides, it's just a few moments."

Sola tried to put on a fierce expression, but it gave way to an annoyed frown as she was spoonfed.

"You're going to lose another client, Kayneth."

"I haven't lost Mr. Tohsaka yet."

"That's because he's a nice man."

Kayneth Archibald El-Melloi silently nodded in agreement. The ex-college professor had been late plenty of times attending to his ailing wife, but Tokiomi had merely smiled and nodded in understanding.

Sola, seeing Kayneth's brief moment of concern, capitalized on it to pushing the man's hand away.

"Now go." She nodded over at the door. "At least try and make a good impression on the Matou. Maybe you can keep widening your contacts that way, alright? We don't want to rely on Mr. Tohsaka's charity forever, right?"

"Of course, m'dear."

As he stepped away from his wife's view, a subtle change came over the man. His once warm eyes chilled. He roughly reached for the offending phone, his eyes narrowing sharply, and his lips curling in mild disgust.

The display on the phone, which had been vibrating in his pocket the whole time he had been talking to his wife, showed 'Matou, Z.'

'What a boorish oaf to intrude on the love between a man and woman.'

Kayneth slipped his belt of tools on over his waist, adjusting it so it wouldn't drop. As the final step, he picked up the liquid mercury stress ball Sola had bought him once. He slipped it into one of the pockets of his tool belt before he stepped out.

"Afternoon, Professor Kayneth."

He nodded up at the stairwell directly across from his apartment door.

"Sanada, Nobuyuki."

A pair of teenage hoodlums respectfully nodded back at him, smiling as the man lightly drew out a pair of screwdrivers, colored in red and gold, and lightly spun them around his hands.

"Keep an eye on milady, alright?"

"Of course, Lord Diarmuid."

The Lancer reached over, lightly tapping his knuckles against the two hoodlums before riding off to war. 

* * *

><p>Kariya paced behind the plumber, scowling impatiently at the man's slow work. "Are you finished yet?" He hissed. Lancelot seemed oddly subdued when the plumber arrived, which had put Kariya on edge.<p>

Kayneth kept a placid expression, even as he tightened the fittings over the new pipe with deliberate slowness. "Just about, Mister Matou." He flashed the irritable man a tight grin that did not reach his eyes.

Kariya growled in response, resuming his pacing as he muttered vile oath's about Kayneth's parentage and education.

Kayneth, only half listening, twitched at his client's not so quiet insults. Stoically, he reached for the familiar comfort of his stress ball, reminding himself that he was doing this work for the sake of his wife.

"Aww, what's the matter." Kariya's taunting voice called over Kayneth's shoulder. The man sneered haughtily as he caught Kayneth's jerky motions, mistaking them for something obscene. "Did I hurt the dumbass plumber's feelings that he had to jerk off to feel better?"

Kayneth felt his remaining patience snap and he spun to face Kariya with an angry glare.

"Still your tongue, mannerless cur, lest I remove it from you!"

"...What did you say?" Kariya breathed softly, his left eye twitching, and his fists curling. Lancelot roused to full wakefulness, recognizing the being before it.

[████▄▄▄▄■■■]!

Kayneth's tight smile returns, but it is no longer even attempting to appear friendly. The silence is broken as the two shout, their world shattering as their fists met. 

* * *

><p>The rapid key strokes echoed through the Matou's basement. In one corner of the room, the slime and other leaking had been repaired.<p>

At great cost.

Kariya Matou, hunched over his computer in the center of the basement, angrily continued typing on his computer.

Tck.

Tcktcktck.

Tck!

The Black Knight's voice had stilled ever since his titanic battle, but the bruised man's mind and heart still churned with hatred. Kariya's shadow twisted and writhed in the light generated by his computer screen.

[ILikeSwords]: So I heard you got your ass beat, Black Knight!

Kariya ground his teeth together as he deleted the private message. More along those same lines appeared in his inbox moments later. The eldest son of the Matou house barely resisted the urge to smash his computer into the ground.

He was about to turn his internet off for the day, but one final message snuck in. The title made his blood freeze.

[Avenger]: So you're worthless without The Gilgamesh, eh?

Kariya's fingers almost shattered the keyboard as he typed up a rapidfire response.

[BlackKnightofOld]: Who are you?

[Avenger]: Heh. Someone who knows all and sees all. I'm...an Avenger, you might say.

Kariya snorted, rolling his eyes.

[BlackKnightofOld]: Whatever. I'm done.

[Avenger]: Wait! I can help you get revenge! I can give you all the power in the world, power enough to get anything you want.

Kariya stopped, his mouse hovering over the delete key. Moments passed in silence as the man considered his decision. He slowly moved the mouse key away from the deletion button. Another message popped up.

[Avenger]: Hee hee hee. Glad to be working with you, my man. So, this is what we're going to do... 

* * *

><p>Present Day<p>

Seven emails, received by seven specially chosen people, went off at the stroke of midnight.

"One, two, three, four, I declare a Grail War."


End file.
